Lily's Hand
by writingblondie
Summary: She sent him a letter. It was meant simply to tell him her good news, and to finally say goodbye. But Severus remembers. Severus remembers everything. And Voldemort has a job for him, the most important job of his life. First war, J/L and as always, one-sided L/Sev


Hello, everyone! Sorry, I know this isn't an update to ALL but hopefully I will get another chapter up soon. I'm going to the ACDA National Honors Choir next week so my life has gotten even more hectic. Seeing as I will be spending three hours on the flight there and then another three on the way back, hopefully I will have two chapters up soon! Meanwhile, here's this story which **hasn't been seen by my beta** but has been sitting in my stories folder on my computer for a while. So it's pretty old and I think it's from before I even had this account. But enjoy nonetheless!

Disclaimer: i dont own harry potter. nuff said.

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Severus needed to sit down. He had been staring at the carefully written letter for far too long, and he realized that he'd begun to shake. He fumbled around, searching desperately with his hand to find the chair he'd been sitting in before that bloody owl had crumbled the little hope he had had left. Severus finally found the chair and sat with a _thud_. His cat that had been a present stared at him in confusion. He looked away, the memory flashing in his mind.

JLJLJLJLJL

_It was a bright morning. Severus had managed to escape his hell of a house early that morning. He waited at the park until the time he was supposed to arrive at her house. The two were going into their third year together. He had his coveted letter in one hand and a few galleons in the other. Finally, his nicked watch struck nine, and he slowly made his way to her house, not wanting to seem eager._

_Mrs. Evans had opened the door with her well-known smile spread across her face. "Honey," she called to her youngest daughter, "Severus is here to take us to Diagon alley!"_

"_I'll be there in a minute!" Simply hearing her voice made the corners of his mouth twitch. His slight grin turned into a toothy smile as he saw her hustle down the stairs._

"_I'll fire up the car." Mrs. Evans had said as she went back through the house to the door that connected to the garage._

"_Hey." She said, her green eyes glimmering in the sunlight that shone through the doorway. "So are you going to come in or are you just going to stand there?" She giggled adorably._

_He took a definitive step inside as she filled him in on the latest Gryffindor "third-year-formerly-second-year-dorm girls" drama. The only one she truly cared for was Alice Prewitt but unfortunately for her, Alice was friends with her other, much more dramatic, dorm mates. "Anyway, so Hestia basically went behind Mary's back. I mean, how rude!" _

_Severus sighed. He could listen to her voice forever. Thankfully, she continued ranting until they had reached The Leaky Cauldron. There, Severus took over and led them to the brick wall. He'd let her tap the bricks this time. It had made her so happy, especially since she could show her mother how much she'd remembered. Show her mother she was simply talented in another way compared to Petunia._

_They covered everything, Madam Malkins, Potions supplies, Flourish and Blotts, Scribbulus Writing Instruments (to get that set of colored ink she had wanted since the beginning of second year), and every store in between. _

_Finally, the three passed Magical Menagerie. Last year, Severus' rat that he had had since he was seven had died. He knew he needed a new animal, but as he counted his galleons he acknowledged the fact that he simply didn't have the money for even a rat – no matter how frugal he'd been all day. Dejectedly, he continued walking forward. He was in the middle of talking to Mrs. Evans when the two suddenly realized that she was no longer walking with them. Severus quickly scanned the street behind them for her, and noticed a flash of _her_ red hair in the window of Magical Menagerie. _What is she doing in there?_ He had thought to himself. They had already bought owl treats and food for the next few weeks that her owl would be at the house and not fed by Hogwarts. He suggested where she was to Mrs. Evans, who then repeated his thoughts out loud. They hurried to the shop just as she was walking out with a box in hand. _

"_Honey, what did you buy?" Mrs. Evans had said, wondering why her daughter had been in that store. _

"_Well, Severus' rat died last year mid-term, and I heard from McGonagall that we would be needing them in transfiguration this year. So, Severus, here's your early Christamas present. By a few months." She giggled as she proudly showed him the black cat she had just bought him. "Sorry he's not perfect, but most of the first years have already bought their pets and-"_

"_He's perfect." He'd said quickly, attempting to qualm her fears. "He's absolutely perfect. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that you thought of me." He said with a smile._

"_Sev, you don't have to be so formal about everything." She giggled. "Now give me a hug."_

_She opened her arms wide, inviting him in. He hugged her tightly, quietly smelling her hair during the short hug. _

JLJLJLJL

His world shattered as he remembered that was all a distant memory now. He turned his head sharply from the animal, signaling it to leave him alone. Severus knew he needed to get a new animal, but he simply couldn't bear getting rid of her present.

He looked down at the letter in his hand once again. His eyes roamed the words again.

_Dear Severus,_

_ I know we are no longer friends, but I simply cannot help but feel like you deserve to know this. We were friends long enough that I think you would give me the same courtesy had this happened to you first._

He stopped himself. _Finishing this letter again will only make it hurt more_.

JLJLJLJL

_Severus sat on his bed, his head in his hands. The summer had started once again, but this time it was a lonely summer. He had just made his last attempt to reach her. He had stooped so low as to talk to Petunia. It was the second day of summer, and he had waited in a bush just a little bit off of the Evans' driveway. You see, they only had a two car garage – and three cars. Petunia was, therefore, stuck with leaving her car on the driveway every night. Since he knew she would be doing her best to get away from Lily, he expected Petunia to be on her way out as soon as she could. Soon, an hour of waiting turned into two, and then three. Finally, when he did see Petunia, she looked rushed and upset. Thinking that surprise was going to be his friend, he jumped out of the bush and grabbed her elbow. "Pet-"_

"_BLOODY- oh, it's _you_." She said, disdain dripping from her voice._

"_Yes, it's me. I was wondering if-"_

"_Oh, let me guess. You want me to tell my sister you're sorry right?" Severus' jaw dropped. "I know you better than you think Severus."_

"_She told you?"_

"_Of course she told me, she's my sister, even if she is a freak. When I heard her sobbing late last night, I barged in and made her tell me what was wrong. I cannot believe you Severus. I've taken care of her all morning after mum and dad asked her if she was seeing you today. You've crossed a line, Severus. A line that I'm horrified at. I found out more about her world last night than I ever could have imagined. I've promised myself to back off of calling her a freak if she's not accepted even on your side of the world." Petunia paused her caustic tone. "Although I guess that would make her more of a freak. Regardless, don't ever talk to her again, Severus, do you hear? It can only hurt her more. You're despicable." She said as she grabbed her car key firmly in her hand and unlocked the car door, before looking at Severus one more time in the eyes. "Now, get out. If I ever find you on this property again I will file for a restraining order. And she will never know of this conversation." Petunia then climbed into the drivers seat, and started the engine. Severus backed away to the sidewalk, watching as Petunia kept her eyes straight on the road, not looking back once._

JLJLJLJL

Severus shut his eyes tightly, trying to avoid the tears he felt coming. He couldn't help himself as he looked at the letter once again.

_ I hope this letter reaches you in good health, Sev, even if I don't agree with the decisions you have been making lately. _

Don't agree? Surely that must be the understatement of the year. Severus knew she had to hate him for the decisions he had made after that fateful day. The decision he'd made after Petunia had told him there was no chance. A decision he had made in a heated moment, with Lucius' support. He knew now that Lucius had only wanted him to join the Dark Lord not as a friend, but because the Dark Lord desperately needed a potions master that was actually competent. Severus didn't care in the slightest for the violence of the Dark Lord's ways but he couldn't complain of the large potions lab that he had been given.

At the same time, he couldn't help but hate her for a moment when he read that line. He didn't agree at all with the decisions she had been making as of late, putting herself in such danger. Just the other day, he'd had to underhandedly prevent the Dark Lord from killing her and Potter. Potter had simply been saved because he'd been with her the entire time. Of course, the Dark Lord never suspected that it had been him who had 'let' the lock to the cell rust to a point where the door could be shaken open. No, he had suspected some house elf. Dobby, he thought the name was. The elf had been cruciod and ordered to never help a prisoner again. Lucius had apologized for his defective elf. That thought brought him to the next sentence.

_As you know, I have been dating James since the beginning of our seventh year._

Oh, he knew. That simple thought angered him more than he could ever describe. The worst part was knowing it was going to happen and knowing there was nothing he could do to prevent it.

JLJLJLJL  
_It had been end of his sixth year, and Severus joked with Avery on their way back to the dungeons. They were on their way back from a mission, a mission that had gone very successfully. Severus had simply been a look out, but Avery, a very egotistical seventh year, was very excited about his part in the mission. He had cruciod someone into insanity, and he was proud of it. Thinking it was far too late for anyone to be out in the halls, he retold the story with a dramatic flair that Severus couldn't help but laugh at. The story itself was horrifying, so he did his best to laugh at his friend's ridiculous tone of voice. Behind him, he heard a slight gasp. A gasp he recognized in horror. He knew that Avery hadn't heard it, as the boy continued to go on and on about his successful torture. Severus' head snapped back to the location of the voice and saw nothing but the slight movement of a drape. Not thinking, he walked towards the curtain. "Severus, what are you-" Avery stopped talking. Severus had lifted up the curtain. She was standing there, her eyes showing how scared she was. Lupin was behind her, holding her back against his body, his hand covering her mouth._

_Avery laughed a laugh that told Snape something very bad was about to happen. Just as Avery was about to use his wand, he said, "Wait. They are prefects, are they not?"_

_Avery looked at him, now wary of his friend, knowing his past with the girl in front of them. "Well, of course they are."_

"_But the more important fact, is that they are Gryffindors. So, take this as a warning, mudblood. We do not take eavesdropping kindly."_

"_And what of the wolf?" Avery said._

"_Is he a wolf now?"_

"_Well no, but…"_

"_Then I see no reason but to give him the same warning. But know this, if we find out that either of you told anything you heard today, your families will pay."_

_Severus met Lupin's stupidly understanding gaze and turned around sharply, his heart hurting with what he'd just said and done._

_Being a prefect, he was on patrol the next week. The girl he was supposed to patrol with never patrolled with him. In fact, she avoided him at every turn as she still patrolled at the same time when they were assigned together. _

_He welcomed the silence. The only two things he would prefer to hear at the moment was the quiet noise of a boiling potion in the background and her voice… although he knew he would never hear kindness in it again. _

_That night, the Dark Lord had already called his friends. Fortunately for him, the Dark Lord knew better than to call him on a patrol night. He had to keep up attendance for Dumbledore. _

_Caught up in his musings, he almost missed a noise coming from a broom closet. Although it was nothing but a quiet whisper, it got him excited that he might get to catch two idiots doing something they shouldn't be, where they shouldn't be, at a time they shouldn't be. He smiled as he put an ear up to the door._

"_Evans, just tell me what's wrong. You've been avoiding me all week. I know something happened when you were patrolling with Mooney."_

_Snape's entire demeanor changed. He knew that voice. He _knew _that voice. He _knew _that _voice_._

"_Just because we're friends now doesn't mean I have to tell you everything. Now let me go, I have to finish my patrol."_

_Severus was so close to opening the door for her, but he wanted to know – no, he needed to know if she would tell him._

"_Please, Lily. Moony said it wasn't his story to tell, and I can tell you're hurt. Tell me and I'll do whatever you want me to do – even if you just want me to leave and deal with it on your own. I'll never tell a soul, unless you tell me to. I promise you."_

_It was quiet for a moment. "Why?" She said so quietly, that he could barely hear it._

"_Because that's what friends do, Lily." But he could hear it in his voice. He knew what he _really _meant. Because I love you, Lily._

_Severus left. He didn't finish his patrol, and he sure as bloody hell knew he wouldn't be able to prevent it. To prevent the inevitable._

JLJLJLJL

He'd pulled James aside before the end of sixth year, told him to never hurt her or he'd have much more than the Dark Lord to worry about. The scary part, was that James had agreed with him. Told him he would deserve whatever happened to him. The git.

But that decision, to let her be happy, was now haunting him.

_So, after my parents died last month, James asked me to marry him. He said with the war, we had to live now, not later. And I love him, Sev. I love him so much. So I said yes. Today's my wedding day (fast, I know, but we had to keep it quiet). I simply feel like you deserve to know. Sev, you were there for me at a time when no one else was. I'm not sure at what point I messed up and you were led away from me, but know that although I don't think I'll ever be able to fully forgive you for what happened that day, you'll always have a place in my heart._

_ Goodbye forever,_

_ Lilly Potter n__e__é Evans_

His heart had shattered. Severus winced and stared at his arm. He saw it there, writhing and angry. He was being called. And the second worst decision was calling him as the worst decision of his life was on her honeymoon.

LJLJLJL

"My Lord, you sent for me?" Severus asked, refusing to show his alarm in noticing that he was the only death eater sent for.

"Yes, Severus. You have been very loyal to me. I was recently told that you are very talented in the art of occlumency, is that true?"

"Yes it is, my Lord."

"Good then, Severus. I have a very important job for you, one that only you are capable of."

Severus' heart raced as he looked the Dark Lord in the eye. "You are to infiltrate Hogwarts. You are to become Dumbledore's right hand man."

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Thanks for reading! Please review, it will make my day :D


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